What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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