there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have feelings that need drinking.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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