I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize