The maid of honor just puked.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
