he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
