I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
