i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
