I looked at my own cervix.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
