I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
