peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
