so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
