Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Let the clothes fall where they may.
where are my eyebrows?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
