just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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