i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
