I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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