The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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