I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
