I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
