Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
did i just pee glitter
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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