2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
