Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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