I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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