I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
