My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
