I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
