Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
