I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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