she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Barsexuality is the new black.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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