theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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