So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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