yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
