like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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