I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
