areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
