I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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