I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
