i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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