dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
