I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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