So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
