I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
