and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
