honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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