The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize