Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
