gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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