Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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