I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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