I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
This is the high leading the old right now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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