Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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