I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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