i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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