Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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