i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
