So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
