ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
