You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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