Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
