I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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