The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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