The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
